Advice on Engaging a Professional Dominant

Are you a newbie? Or do you wonder why dommes respond negatively to you? Then you may find this guide useful. It is based on my own experience and conversation with my sister dominas.

Know what you want.
Before you contact a professional, think about why you are doing it and try to contact a woman who is offering what you are looking for. Even if it is your first time, presumably you have seen something on the Internet that turns you on. You must have some reason to contact a domina.

Are you interested in cock torture? Spanking? Humiliation? Do you have a fetish? Do you want to be controlled? Do you just want to be tied up and teased? Most dommes list the activities they are interested in on their websites. If her list doesn't appeal to you, either she isn't a good fit or you perhaps don't want a domme at all. You may find it useful to research BDSM online. Start with this wikipedia article.

It is perfectly all right to be unsure about your desires, especially if you are a newbie. But if you are really unsure, the appropriate thing to do is to request a phone or chat session. Some dommes book these directly, others use Niteflirt. Do NOT expect a domme to have an open ended discussion of your fantasies for free. That is rude and unreasonable. But if you pay for the time, most dommes will try hard to help you sort through your questions and issues. If this is your goal, choose a mature and experienced domme whose personality (as expressed through her website, Collarme or Fetlife profile, etc.) appeals to you.

If you want sex, you probably are not looking for a domina.

Very few dominants will even consider having intercourse with clients or performing oral sex on them. In most cases the session will end with you masturbating or possibly with a hand job. There are some dommes who will not touch your cock at all and a smaller number who won't allow any release. If the type of happy ending is important, you may want to ask about it politely. If you want someone who will have sex with you, then you are probably looking for an escort who is kink friendly, not a domme.
Intimate body worship (i.e. performing orally on the domme), like having the domme touch your cock, is a grey area. Some dommes will do it and some won't, and you need to read the next section if this interests you.

If you want something that is a legal grey area, be aware of that and tread delicately.
If you are interested in sexual/sensual play, be aware of where the legal line is drawn in your state. In New York, charging for strap-on play is illegal. In Virginia, the only things you cannot legally do for money are intercourse or oral sex.

The best way to ask a domme if she will do something on the dark side of that line is to simultaneously present references from other dommes or escorts that she can check, or as a second-best alternative a membership in Date-check or Preferred 411, companies that charge you to verify your address and employment.

It helps to have multiple interests. If you include "body worship" on a long list of things you enjoy, that is MUCH less worrisome than asking only for that one thing. If I have tied a man up, whipped him and tortured his cock, I'm pretty confident at that point that he is safe.

If you are a newbie with no references, you may have to go to your first session knowing you may not get the activity you really desire. Dommes who are willing to do something "questionable" will always be much more forthcoming about it after a successful session, and then you have a reference to give other dommes.

Do not say "I will do whatever pleases YOU, mistress," or ask "What do YOU like to do?"
God, do we hate that. All of us hate that, without exception. If you want to do what pleases me, you can pour me a glass of wine and clean my bathroom or change the oil in my car. Not what you had in mind, is it? When a submissive says one of these things, what he really wants is for the domme to magically want to do what he desires. And sadly, none of us can read your mind.

Whether I am being paid or not, I personally do not enjoy a session unless the submissive is getting off on what I am doing. He may be embarrassed and humiliated by his enjoyment (I actually rather like that) but doing something my playmate doesn't enjoy is NOT a turn-on for me in any way. Other dommes may enjoy doing something the bottom hates, but even then they know a session isn't successful if all the fun is one-way.

I understand the impulse to seek out a domme who enjoys what she is doing, who is not doing it solely for the money. I will try to address this honestly.

Very few of us will do things that we truly dislike. If it is listed on a domme's website, it is there because she is happy to do it. And most of us really do enjoy this kind of play. It is very difficult to do this well if you don't enjoy it, and very few women who are ONLY in it for the money do it for very long. Clients realize quickly that they aren't into it, and they don't get repeat visitors. And it is psychologically difficult to do this kind of work if you don't enjoy it. If you choose an established domme who has been doing this for some time, you can rest assured she actually enjoys this. (Whether she enjoys playing with YOU is of course another question.)

If you choose a hot 25-year-old then you are far more likely to be getting someone who just sees this as easy money. There are some young ladies who find their calling quickly and jump right in. It is possible to be a trained domme at that age if she found the BDSM community or a good mentor very early. But you are more likely to be getting a girl who just looks hot in leather, which is totally fine if that is what you want, but she is more likely to be going through the motions. (Hint: a young domme working with older dommes or in a dungeon is more likely to know what she is doing.)

If we enjoy this then why don't we do it for free?
One answer is "because we CAN get paid for it." Another answer is that we DO do it for free -- with men we choose, under our conditions. The large majority of dommes will play for free only where a real relationship exists with that man. (Or perhaps spontaneously at a party or event.) Yes, even kinky women are about relationships and when you can't (or won't) offer one, money is the substitute. And no, it doesn't matter what you look like or how charming you are. Yes, of course I would prefer to play with someone cute and charming but I'd rather play with an average Joe who treats me with respect and pays my fee without grumbling than a hottie who thinks I should be grateful he is there.

When a submissive says "I'm looking for a lifestyle domme, not a professional," what he really means is "I don't want to pay." The proper term for a "lifestyle domme" is "dominant girlfriend/wife."

If you actually ARE looking for a real relationship, that's great. But you still should not expect a professional to play with you for free. If you approach a professional through her website or ad and ask her to consider you as a dating prospect, that's just inappropriate. If you approach an unattached professional through a medium like Fetlife, be sure you talk about your compatibility BOTH inside and outside the dungeon and be sure you ARE compatible. If it is all about fulfilling your fantasy, then you should be asking for a professional session. It is possible for a professional session to lead to something else, but it is rude to expect a professional to fulfill your fantasy for free just because you are theoretically interested in a relationship. If you are a total newbie, then don't even consider approaching an experienced woman for a nonprofessional date. Try this out with pro sessions first and when you KNOW it's what you want, move on to real life.

It is highly unlikely that a professional wants a "personal slave."
If you have useful skills to barter, it doesn't hurt to ask. That includes things like tax preparation, home or auto repairs, dental services or legal services. You MUST be a real professional, not an amateur. Do not ask a domme if you can clean her home or dungeon in exchange for sessions. You would have to do this regularly, not just once, to be useful. And a domme is not going to ask you into her personal residence until she has known you for a while.

If your idea of "personal slave" involves purely play rather than performing nonsexual services, then see "dominant girlfriend" above.

Do NOT Haggle!
When a domme has given you her tribute requirements do not attempt to negotiate. This is not a bazaar in a Third World country and haggling is rude and disrespectful. If you can't afford it, just say so. The domme may, if she feels generous, make you a discount offer but you should not ask for one.

Not only is this rude but it is counterproductive. In the event that you succeed in convincing a domme to lower her price, you have assured that she will provide what she considers the minimum level of service that is professional. Your session will be timed to the second and her enthusiasm level will also be at its minimum. On the other hand, if you are respectful, cheerfully pay the requested tribute and make yourself likeable by following all my other advice, you may very well get extra time at no extra charge and the domme will go the extra mile to make your session memorable.

I have corresponded with quite a few submissives who spend a lot of time and energy trying to negotiate a lower tribute and then say they are doing it because they have been so disappointed in the mechanical and indifferent attitude they have sensed from dommes. Well, dude, have you considered that the attitude stems from your having tried to nickel and dime them? Nothing saps my enthusiasm like an alleged submissive who disrespects me in this way.

Ready to make contact?
Pay attention and follow instructions!

It is tiresome to ask questions that are answered by the domme's website or ad. And it is both tiresome and rude to ask for something she says she does not do.

If she asks you to give specific information, then give it. If she has hours for you to call, then call during those hours. If she says to email, then don't send an instant message or call her. If she says to call then don't email. If she says she won't respond to blocked numbers (most of us don't ) then don't block your number.

If your first contact is by email, be sure to explain where you got the address if it isn't obvious (such as filling out a form or responding to an ad on Backpage). If your first contact is by phone, introduce yourself and say you want to book a session, or that you saw her ad in (fill in the blank). Don't just say "hello."

Every domme has her own system and you should follow it. I ask for the information I need by email and will make a brief phone call only to assure the client I am real. Other dommes LIKE to talk on the phone. I demand a cell number billed to you at a minimum; others require more information. (Anyone who will see you anonymously, with no contact information at all, is crazy, reckless or foolish and someone you do not want standing over you with a whip.) I will ask you to text me an hour before the session and then call from my neighborhood. If the session is booked days in advance I will also ask for a confirmation text or email the day before.

If you are booking or confirming by phone do not expect the domme to describe your upcoming session in delicious detail. If you want that then book a phone session. We are constantly annoyed by submissives who are hoping to get a free phone session. Only a very inexperienced domme will let you get away with it.

If you do not confirm as requested, be prepared for the session to be canceled.

PLEASE don't be a flake.
If you realize a domme isn't a good match for you or is too expensive, politely say so. Do NOT book a session you don't intend to follow through with. Don't just stop responding to emails, leaving the domme hanging. This is just normal, common courtesy.

If you have to cancel, don’t be an asshole. Give the domme as much notice as possible. We plan our schedules around you and make all sorts of preparations for a session. It is infuriating that so many clients seem to think nothing of blowing us off. Sex workers are people, too, you know.

If you cancel a session, a cancellation gift goes a LONG way toward keeping yourself in the domme's good graces. Even as little as $25 makes a big difference in how the domme views you. If you cancel on short notice, $50 is more appropriate. If you cancel on VERY short notice, you should offer more if you want the domme to see you again.

Keep in mind that there are client blacklists and we do share information.

Can I trust you?
I understand this can seem nerve wracking for a newbie. You may be concerned that a domme will try to blackmail you or cheat you or some other evil thing. The truth is that you are far more likely to run into problems with an escort. Dommes do not have pimps.

We have concerns just as you do. A domme with a regular dungeon space will take care that it is private and discreet. We do not want pissed off neighbors or undesirable attention. We also have reputations to uphold, with clients and in the BDSM community.

You may be doubly worried if a domme asks for a deposit. Some ask for one all the time. I ask for it for particular kinds of sessions, or for those who have flaked on me in the past. I also offer the option of making a deposit and getting a discount on the session. This means I am paid less but the "risk" of cancellation is shared.

A domme who has been doing this for a while, and has a professional looking website that has been in place for years, is highly unlikely to scam you. A domme who has a presence in the BDSM world is even less likely to be a scammer. Ask for her Fetlife profile name and see who she has listed as "friends."
On the other hand, a woman who is very new at this, does not have a dungeon, has no presence in the BDSM community ... those are red flags that should make you reconsider at least a deposit if not seeing her at all. I worked in hotel rooms when I started and I was for real, but a domme with a dungeon is more likely to be trustworthy. However, a domme who is using a hotel room while visiting outside her home area shouldn't be viewed the same way.

Preparing for a Session
Please show up for your session looking and smelling clean. Make sure you shower that day and wear deodorant.

That is good advice for life, not just seeing a pro domme, and so is this: Groom your privates. Seriously, long, unruly pubic hair is a turn-off and reduces any woman's desire to touch you there. (Try it on your wife and you may be shocked at the results.) You don't have to shave it all. But shave any hair on the shaft and at least cut the rest short. And if you really enjoy having your balls played with, shaving them is a plus. It increases the play options and increases your sensitivity. If you like anal play, by all means shave there, too.

Session Time
Don't be EITHER early or late. It may sometimes be possible for the domme to see you earlier than expected; if you would like to do that ask politely in the least obtrusive way possible, don't assume. I for one will NEVER be ready early and calling me 10 minutes early will really annoy me. If you want to find out if I am ready early, use a text message but don't hold your breath. Other dommes may differ.

If you are running late, tell the domme as soon as you know you will be late. I often run late myself so I am tolerant as long as the submissive isn't ridiculously late or consistently very late. If you are late the domme will probably not cut your time short unless she has another session scheduled, in which case she might, and would be within her rights. I don't schedule many sessions in a day, and if I schedule two I leave at least half an hour in between.

If you want to bring a gift, wine is good unless the domme doesn't drink. Decent cologne is also a good choice, or a scented candle; many of us use them in the dungeon. Don't bring clothing or lingerie unless you know the domme or she gives her size on her website; if you get the size wrong that is awkward. Flowers are less appreciated than something useful, but still a nice gesture. A gift of toys is especially nice, and a way to get a favorite toy used on you.

Put your tribute down where the domme can see it without discussing it. You can put it in an envelope or not, but have it ready. Don't take out your wallet and count. Don't ask her "how much." You should already know this, and asking sets off an alarm bell. It's classy to not make her ask you for it.

If the domme starts the session by chatting with you, don't be concerned that you are being cheated. No reputable domme considers this to be part of your play time. The exception is if YOU want a really extended discussion. If the domme initiates it, then it shouldn't "count" against you. If you want to start the session with extended socialization ask for the domme's policy and let her know in advance. I will chat as long as you like if you book at least 90 minutes of play and bring the wine.

It is always nice to show appreciation. If you enjoyed the session say so, and say what you especially enjoyed. Tactful criticism is also fine. A thank-you text or email is nice; a phone call is intrusive.

An independent domme does not expect a tip, but she will be happy to get one and it will ensure you jump ahead in the line for her attention should that ever be an issue. Mistresses who work in dungeons do not get the whole session fee and pretty much expect a tip for a good session. Don’t tip less than $20.

I hope this has allayed some of your concerns, answered some questions and prevented you from irritating me or one of my colleagues. Happy playtime!